You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
