Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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