How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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