More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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