Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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