Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
