I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He shit in the fireplace
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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