in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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