Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
