What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
