I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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