Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
