took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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