Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
