How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
