So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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