Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
