I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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