Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
