Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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