so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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