normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
