Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry about my life...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
