no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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