I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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