my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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