last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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