I'm gonna have a badass scar
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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