About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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