im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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