HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
