giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
