We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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