i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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