Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
