just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
