the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
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Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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