I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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