When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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