Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
