So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
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