So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
