Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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