Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
