Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
