he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
