Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
