Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
