I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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