I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
