he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He passed out mid-signature
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
