Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
