I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i think my mom watched the whole time
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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