Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize