I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
