When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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